Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
