i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
