my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
