Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
