Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
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Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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