Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
