I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
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