She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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