I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
