youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
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WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
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I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
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