When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
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