I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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