I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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