My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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