I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
