ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I'm really into asian looking animals
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
