im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
