me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
