Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
