I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
