bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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