HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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