watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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