I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
