i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
And my parents said I crawled through the house
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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