There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
