??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
