Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
