The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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