Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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