What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I feel great
I just peed on a car
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
