I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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