I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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