do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
