I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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