I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
