I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
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I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
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