How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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