best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
