I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
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