I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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