he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
