I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
