Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
