We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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