She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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