btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
