My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
i came on her dog
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
