My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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