Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Randomize
