Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
